I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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