Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
