You're completely useless in the revolution.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
