I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
