so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
