Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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