watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
