Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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