I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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