You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
