Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
