FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
it hurts more in the daytime
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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