also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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