I think scott just propositioned me for sex
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He passed out mid-signature
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
