I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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