I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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