I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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