dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
