There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
