Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
