I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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