just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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