Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
