So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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