i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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