tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
