the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I need to sanitize my soul.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
