just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
