Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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