if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
