Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
