so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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