I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
