So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
