: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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