In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize