just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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