Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
