if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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