My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
