i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
