I wish I could punch you in the face.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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