just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
