Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
