I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
