I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
