I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
