I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
