I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
