He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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