Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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