I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
