oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
