Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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