I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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