It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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